I’ve never been one to take chances.
I can probably count on one hand how many chances I’ve taken in my 30 years of life. I can only fully remember one of them, only because it led me to my husband.
So writing is a chance that I have decided to take. And fear is rearing it’s ugly head, trying everything it can to get me back into the corner I was hiding in for so long. And stay there.
Fear isn’t just an idea I struggle with. It is a debilitating, all-encompassing voice that tells me I am not good enough, I don’t have much to offer, I only succeed at failing.
Now, I find myself here in this season of my life, surviving the trenches of motherhood (barely) and trying not to lose myself in the process. I find myself searching the deepest parts of me that I had hidden away, forgot about, or feared and wondering where they fit in this new life of mine.
And I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of losing myself completely and feeling empty, lost, and broken once the child-rearing years are behind me. I’m afraid of losing my passion, my gifts, and my desire for something more. And more than anything, I’m afraid of letting fear win. I don’t want to live the rest of my life wondering what could have been, what I could have accomplished if I had only tried. I don’t want my children to see regret in my eyes, I want them to see me work towards this dream.
My children don’t know about the life I had before they were born, but I want them to know that it is ok to fail, that failing doesn’t mean you didn’t try. Failing means you did try, you put everything you had into something and it didn’t work. It doesn’t matter how much you want something, if it isn’t meant for you, the Lord will let you know. And that is what He did for me before my kids became my life. That was seven years ago and I am still trying to teach myself this lesson, determined to be a good example for my children. I failed at a lot of things, but I am not giving up on myself.
I don’t know where writing will take me. To be completely honest, I don’t know where I want it to take me. All I know is that I have a heavy heart and there is so much I want to say. There are topics on life, motherhood, and marriage that I need to release from my head into the world, if only for my sake of letting go. Words have always been the most powerful form of expression for me, they help me learn and grow.
So, this is me, stepping out in faith. Faith that I can do hard things, that I can continue learning about the world, life, and myself. Faith that motherhood, for me, is so much more than raising children, but learning alongside them. Faith that the hard moments of life are given to us for reasons we can’t always see right away, but by working through them, we can come to understand. Faith that there is so much more out there for us if we are only brave enough to look around.